My Catholic Conversion

I want to tell you a love story. Not about my love, but about a loving Father Who rescued me from alienation and brought me to faith.

I grew up in a wonderful Church of Christ family. My father was a preacher who taught at a Christian college, and my brother and I both went to a Christian school from kindergarten through college. Almost everyone in my family, and in my wife’s family, have been Church of Christ members for decades.

The first Catholic person I knew well was someone I first met when I was 31 years old. I knew practically nothing about Catholicism, and what little I thought I knew was inaccurate.

Although I was baptized at age 15 (at the urging of my parents), I wasn’t serious about my faith until I was in college. For the first time in my life, I began to know the Lord in a more personal way.

As a graduate student in Counseling at a state university, I became intrigued with secular philosophy and psychology, and a personal faith slowly changed into an intellectual interest. I began to view Christianity from the perspective of a modernist - - it became less about the eternal and more about the temporal.

Christianity for me was focused on the societal, not the Divine. And, the farther from heaven my gaze dropped, the deeper I sank into a self-centered, materialistic, and…eventually…a very sinful state. Over time, I became an empty man who attended church every Sunday and said all the right things. I became a hypocrite.

During this time, my wife had struggles of her own. We were in a state of spiritual and relational dysfunction, and it was at this crucial time that the Lord intervened. He knew that to be restored, we would have to be truly broken. And, in His wisdom and mercy, He allowed us to undergo a series of trials that would bring us to our knees – and back to Him.
 

• In 1998 our marital difficulties, long-brewing, became dramatically worse until we were in a state of crisis.
   
• Then, I totaled my car.
   
• Then, I suddenly developed peripheral neuropathy and severe fatigue.
   
• Then, I had knee surgery.
   
• Then, I was diagnosed with a large abdominal tumor.
   
• Then, I ended up with extensive nerve damage affecting my ability to walk.
   
• Then, I had surgery to attempt to repair the nerve damage.
   
• Then, I had my gallbladder removed.
   
• Then, my teenage son was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis.
   
• Then, my son spent 4 weeks in the hospital after nearly bleeding to death.
   
• Then, he had 2 major operations – the first being a 14-hour surgery to remove his entire colon.
   
• During this time we also had nearly catastrophic financial problems. At one point, our house was scheduled to be auctioned by the mortgage company, and we lived on the brink of bankruptcy.

However, through this period God strengthened our relationship with each other and with Him. Our faith was dramatically enriched. With each trial, our faith increased and we became closer as a family than ever before.  I was rescued from my spiritual desert, and it seemed that I was finally back where I needed to be.  I had no desire to leave the Church of Christ congregation we attended, and was very comfortable in my Christian life.  But, our Lord had something else in mind.

In January of 2004, the small group bible study my wife and I attended began a workbook called Experiencing God. A major focus of the book is the premise that if we drop our own agenda and promise God that we will do whatever He wants, He will show us His will for us – one step at a time. Having never really done this before, I decided I should. So, I earnestly prayed that God would show me the next step He wanted me to take….and each step after that….and I promised Him I would take those steps, no questions asked. No strings attached. No matter what.

Now, I meant what I said and fully intended to follow through with my promise, but I really wasn’t expecting anything earth-shattering to come from it. I thought maybe He would want me to get involved in something like the audio-visual ministry at our congregation and would, somehow, lead me to that realization.

On February 23, 2004, my son and I saw “The Passion of the Christ” movie for the first time. I don’t have the words to describe its impact. After the movie, my son went home in his car and I sat in mine for about half an hour – absolutely stunned. I began to see in my field of vision these words:
 

• Beginning in March, I had dreams of angels turning into statues and other very vivid dreams with strong religious themes...that contained what I later recognized as Catholic imagery.
   
• In early March, a charismatic preacher I had never seen before selected me out of a crowd and spoke to me in tongues – with my understanding what he said. He told me something about my “visions”, and said that “God will answer you soon”. Then, he instructed me to “go home and pray.” As he spoke to me, he looked almost confused and seemed to be passing along a message.
   
• Also in March, as I got out of an indoor pool at a public recreation center one day, 2 women in dress clothes showed up and asked if they could pray for me. Then, as people walked right by us as though they didn’t see us, the women knelt at my feet, beside the pool, and prayed aloud that God would assist me. They said they had been inspired to do this by seeing “The Passion of the Christ”.

During March, I began to have a need to be in a Catholic church, and in particular to visit the Cathedral in my home town. I had never been in the Cathedral, but had driven past it every day for years. The sense of needing to go inside the Cathedral grew, yet I resisted the pull out of fear and uncertainty.

In March 24, a month after seeing the “Passion”, I went to a Catholic bookstore for the first time. I bought a book on healing, a little “how to pray the rosary” booklet, and plastic rosary beads. I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do with the rosary, but it seemed that I was supposed to have it.

In April, I finally gathered the courage to go to the Cathedral. I was a nervous wreck! I felt pulled through the front doors as if I were being drawn by a gigantic, irresistible magnet. As I walked into the Narthex, I asked softly, “Lord, is this what you want me to do?” When I entered the worship area and saw the statue of Mary, I became even more apprehensive. What was I doing there? Then there was all the standing, talking in unison, and kneeling…I had no idea what to do and no clue what was going on.

But, I continually felt pulled back inside that church. Before long, I did not want to leave the Cathedral!  I had found my home – where I was always meant to be! I had a sense of joy and belonging that far surpassed anything I had known before.

I had fallen deeply in love with our Lord and with His Holy Catholic Church…and I knew next to nothing about Catholicism at the time. The Holy Spirit took me from feeling like I was in an alien land to total bliss - in the same Cathedral - in a matter of days.

All I knew was that I simply had to be there, and when my lunch hour was over, I did not want to leave. I truly sensed the Lord’s presence there, although I didn’t understand why. It was later that I learned about our Lord’s Real Presence in the Blessed Sacrament. He was there in that tabernacle all along, drawing me to Himself – even though I didn’t know and didn’t understand. He reached me despite my ignorance, just as He rescued me years before despite my sin and rebellion.

After I had been going to the Cathedral for a couple of weeks, on one occasion I was kneeling and praying after Mass.  There were several other people doing the same thing, and I was in the very back of the church.  I was praying silently, not even moving my lips, and was asking the Lord if I was doing the right thing...something that I asked very frequently during those Spring and Summer months of 2004.  I asked that the Lord would show me, somehow, an indication that I was doing what He wanted me to do.  The instant I silently said "amen" to myself...without moving a muscle in the meantime (I was not making the Sign of the Cross after prayer at that point), I felt someone tapping my shoulder.  I turned around and saw a tall woman wearing a brilliant white, floor length dress.  The dress was beautiful - intricate in design, dazzling white, and spotless.  The woman was visibly pregnant and was weeping.  She quietly said that she needed my help and wanted to talk to me in the narthex (vestibule).  Rather stunned, I nodded my head and followed her into the narthex.  Once we were there, she looked at me tearfully and said:

"I asked them if I could talk to you, and they told me to wait until you were through praying."

I was already stunned, and now I was utterly speechless.  Who were "they"?  I had my eyes open while praying, and since I was kneeling in the back of the church I could tell that she had not talked to anyone inside.  And, of course, I wondered how she could have possibly known that I was through praying. 

Then she said, "I live on Nolensville Road.  Well, no, actually I live here."  She said the word, "here" while pointing inside the church.  Feeling overwhelmed at this point, all I could do was to nod with my eyes fixed on her.

So, she stood there crying and I had no idea what to say or do, so I pulled some money out of my wallet and handed it to her.  She tearfully smiled, said 'thank you', and slowly walked away.  I never saw her before, and have not seen her since that day over 3 years ago.

There are homeless men and women who sometimes come to the Cathedral, but this woman in white was not homeless.  No homeless person could have been wearing the dress she wore that day.  I stood there in the narthex for a couple of minutes trying to gather my thoughts, and then went back inside the church to pray - thanking God for the inexplicable encounter I had just experienced.

I began reading all the Catholic literature I could absorb. I downloaded text and sound files of speeches, read articles, and read books. Each night, often until early morning hours, was spent in trying to learn about the Church I had fallen in love with. When I couldn’t be with Her, I wanted to at least learn about Her. I was reading as much as I could to let my head catch up with my heart. I was truly driven to read Catholic writings – and the more I read, the more I appreciated the Truth I had been led to.

During the spring and summer, as my attraction to the Catholic Church continued to grow, I frequently prayed that God would let me know if I was following Him. And He did, time after time, in many wonderful and amazing ways.

After much prayer, study, and reflection, I realized that entering the Catholic Church was exactly what God wanted me to do.  I could no longer deny it or even question it.  At that point, for me to not become Catholic would have been disobedient.  So, in August I enrolled in the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) program.  I met many wonderful Catholics, had an excellent sponsor (thank you, Bob!), and what I learned continually confirmed both what I had read and what I had experienced months before.

On September 13, 2004, at the end of the first night of RCIA, we gathered in the chapel and sang a song I had never heard before attending a Catholic church:  “The Summons”:

Will you come and follow me, if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know, and never be the same?
(emphasis added)

As we sang, I sat there in a daze as I remembered the words I saw that night 5 months earlier. WILL YOU FOLLOW? WILL YOU GO? ARE YOU READY?

On September 22, I had an experience that is very difficult to describe, but which has had a lasting effect on me. This was what I wrote in my journal that evening:

At 12:50 pm, (while at work) I suddenly felt as though God were with me and I felt a joy that was overwhelming! It seemed like I was in a brief state of ecstacy and I was practically taken prisoner by God's love. At 1:00, after praying to, worshipping, and thanking God, I hurredly opened (Windows) Notepad and wrote this almost without stopping:

 

"I feel the presence of the Lord!
He has blessed me with an intrusion -
He has entered my space,
He has filled me with His Spirit and His love!
I feel His warmth, His loving kindness all about me!

I am immersed in a pool of joy
and can only feel His loving presence,
His tenderness and grace.
His smile is inside me and hovering around me.

Is this perhaps part of...the beginnings of...a foretaste of...an ecstacy?
If so, then Lord please bury me in the warm, thick blankets of Your ecstacy!

I do not deserve such Graces, but Lord please continue them without ceasing!

I am Your humble servant.
Do with me as You will.
Lead, and I will follow.
Command, and I will obey.
Teach, and I will listen...and begin to learn.

I love You so very, very much - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit -
I worship and adore You!!

Is my guardian angel near? O Guardian Angel,
pray for me!!"

...That magnetic pull keeps getting stronger, both in my heart and in my mind. Evidence and spirit. After my experience this afternoon, that attraction has only intensified.

The state that I suddenly fell into was, by far, the most intense experience I have ever had. And, it happened suddenly as I was working on a computer project. I became motionless, unable to move, with my head tilted back and eyes closed. I remember not being able to move, but not caring. 10 minutes later I was freed long enough to be able to return to my computer screen and type the quote above. Then, after typing "O Guardian Angel, pray for me!!", I once again fell into this state for another few minutes.

I am so grateful that the Lord allowed me to have this incredible experience as further confirmation!
 

By His grace, He led me to His Holy Catholic Church, and to His pure love and complete truth.

My journey has not been so much an exercise of will or intellect as an experience of Divine Love. My Lord pursued me, pulled me out of sin and despair, and then allowed me to suffer – so I would become emptied and able to be filled with Him. Then He pulled me, irresistibly, into His Church where He had been waiting to welcome me all along.

Reaching out from that tabernacle at the Cathedral, He first embraced me and then led me to take those steps I told Him I would take back when I hardly knew what I was promising.

I still don’t understand all of it, and certainly don’t have answers to all the “why” questions. I no longer ask them. I just gratefully accept His pardon and His grace.